May I speak to the conductorA musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."
Minggu, 31 Desember 2006
Rolex and Timex
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were...
The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming
dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're
watch dogs!"
Better traction.
Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Fridays in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...Satan: Why so glum?Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?Guy: Sure, I love to drink.Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.Guy: Gee, that sounds great!Satan: You a smoker?Guy: You better believe it!Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungsout. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?Guy: Wow... that's awesome!Satan: I bet you like to gamble.Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt you're dead anyhow.Satan: What about Drugs?!?Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!Satan: You gay?Guy: No...Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays.
What a Chicken Gives
The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!" And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"And Little Johnny replied, "Fucking homework and tests!"
Hold on to the root.
The Tao doesn't take sides;
It gives birth to both wins and losses.
The Guru doesn't take sides;
She welcomes both hackers and users.
The Tao is like a stack:
The data changes but not the structure.
The more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
The more you talk of it, the less you understand.
Hold on to the root.
Red truck
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire.
He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
"Hurry over here,muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
There are 3 guys and
There are 3 guys and they all work in a store. One day a robber comes into the store with a gun ready to shoot. The guys are like please please don't shoot me! So the robber says ''only on 1 condition you have to bring a fruit tomorrow and stick it up your butt.So the next day the first guy comes with an apple and sticks it up his butt but he was shot any way. The second guy came with an orange and sticks it up his butt but he was shot anyway. So the 2 guys are up in heaven and the first guy starts laughing. ''Whats so funny, were dead!'' says the second guy. ''Its not that!'' says the first guy. ''Then what is it?''
'' I just seen the third guy with a watermellon!'' says the first guy.
A test of morals
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida, USA...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods.
There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.
There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water.
Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer.
Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is, it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever.
You have two options.
You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.
So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or would you rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
Degrees Fahrenheit
60 California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath
California residents shiver uncontrollably
Minnesota residents go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
California residents weep pitiably
Minnesota residents eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaska residents put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansas residents stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesota residents shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two-week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 California residents disappear
Minnesota residents button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaska residents close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game
AND AT:
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets....
Murphy's Third Law of Computing...
- Murphy's Third Law of Computing
- The first place to look for information is in the section of the
manual where you least expect to find it.
Sober as a Judge
A crown court judge was out on the town one Friday evening, partaking of some of London's finest drinking establishments. Returning home to his good lady wife in the wee small hours, he realised he was going to be for the high jump when she saw the state he was in. His Saville Row suit had vomit all the way down it."Charles" she bellowed."What on EARTH have you been doing?"Thinking on his feet, he replied "Oh...... a dreadful ruffian discharged his ample evening's excesses all over me as I was about to head home. As fortune would have it, he was arrested shortly after, and I will be hearing his case on Monday morning."Monday morning came, with the judge conducting his business free of controversy. He still had this nagging feeling however, that he'd need to have his story straight for his wife when returning home. She was an inquisitive woman, with an eye for detail. Then, out of the blue, she rang him in his chambers."Charles, what happened to that oik who sullied your jacket on Friday night?" she asked."Well" he replied."He hasn't appeared before me yet. The case was adjourned until this afternoon, but I'll give him three months in prison for sure.""Frankly Charles, I think you'd better give him six months -- he's shit in your trousers as well!"
Sweet Semen
In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl�s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Profs reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, he stated "It doesn't taste sweet, because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue".
Stance issues
Roger and Charlie emerged from he clubhouse to tee off at the first hole, but
Roger looked distracted.
"Anything the matter?" Charlie asked.
"Na, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Roger replied.
"He's just been trying to correct my stance."
"He's only trying to help your game," Charlie soothed.
"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."
Difference
Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Whose the boss
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
> brain
> > said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and
> > functions."
> > > >>The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and
get
> > him where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss
because
> we
> > do all the work and earn all the money."
> > > >>And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes
until
> > finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the
> > asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself
up
> > and refused to work.
> > > >>Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the
> > feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
> > > >>Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so
> the
> > motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss
> just
> > sat and passed out the shit.
> > > >>Management Lesson?
> > > >>You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
Things you hate during a surgery
-"Wait, we were supposed to REMOVE the implants?"
- "This guy used to beat me up in junior high! I'll show him."
- "Crud, I dropped my contact in there."
- "Nurse, what does this button do? It does, uh oh."
- "Don't worry; it probably won't happen to this one too."
- "Let�s cut this, just for fun."
In the family
For three years, the young MP had been taking his vacations at the same country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed to score with the landlord's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin', and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a politician."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by dolly04
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?A: They both have Bills that are losers.
Yo momma is fat
ur momma is so fat when she wore a black swim suit in the ocean the oil men thought it was a oil spill
Ten Dollahs
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy
said, "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah
aihplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that
aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... And ten dollahs is ten
dollahs."
So Stumpy says, "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't
go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies "Stumpy, that there
aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... The pilot does all kinds of twists
and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it
one more time; still nothing.... So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I
did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but
you didn't." And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something
when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
Corpsalicious!
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.'' After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. ''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''
A Cynics Guide to Life:
A Cynics Guide to Life:
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
ust remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
Religious Passion
The chuior leader was so infatuated with the her pastor that one day she chased him around the church and grabbed him by the organ.
Help stories from Tech Support
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Nothing
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
Dentist office
The Lambert's were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Lambert made it
clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or
needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist
admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Lambert turned to his wife Jenny: "Show him your tooth, Honey."
Knock KnockWho's there?Wilma!Wilma who?Wilma lunch
Knock KnockWho's there?Wilma!Wilma who?Wilma lunch be ready soon?
How to make a Blonde Laugh
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday??
A: Tell them a joke on Wednesday!!
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